SLPs, educators, and parents of neurodivergents usually want to help kids as much as possible so they can lead successful, productive, happy lives.
I know that’s always been my goal as a therapist and as a parent. That’s why I decided to become an SLP…and it’s also why I went back and got my doctorate in special education.
But over the years, I’ve started to question what has traditionally been accepted as “best practice”. As I was learning different strategies and trying them with my own students…I found myself feeling conflicted; wondering why I wasn’t getting great results…
Also…there was a voice in my head thinking acknowledging that if it were ME receiving this intervention…I would not like it.
Mostly because I actually HAD experienced those types of interventions and found them just as traumatic as some of my students found them.
Originally, I dismissed it because I thought I was following what the research said I was supposed to do.
As I joined different groups centered around neurodiversity and heard the stories of autistic people, or people with ADHD…I was finally able to put what had been bugging me for years into words.
Part of this is because I found I had more in common with the neurodivergents than the neurotypicals because I was one of them (more on that to come).
That’s why in this post, my goal is to highlight some problems with some of the common practices when it comes to supporting (those who have ADHD, autism, both, or some other diagnosis with neurological origin).
I share this as a person who has spent years in the field learning in the more traditional sense (from getting degrees, doing academic research), doing direct clinical work with students and also being neurodivergent myself.
If you’re involved with any neurodiversity groups, you know that many autistic adults or adults with ADHD are starting to share certain traumatizing experiences they’ve had growing up.
For the purpose of pointing out some key reasons this happens, I’m going to narrow it down to three key mistakes being made and share shifts we can make.
Shift #1: From compliance to curiosity.
Shift #2: From “appropriate” to “effective and functional”.
Shift #3: From gaslighting to self-reflection.
*I also was taught to always use “person first” language in my schooling instead of “identity first” language. In this article, I’m going to lean towards “identity first” because many neurodivergents have indicated this is how they refer to themselves.
**Additionally, I’m planning on creating more resources to support neurodiversity in the near future. Today, in this article, I’ll share just one of them that focuses on helping kids be more independent with homework and functional tasks at home and school…
But for now, we’ll get to those shifts.
Shift #1: From Compliance to Curiosity
During my doctoral program, many of the strategies I learned were focused on increasing certain behaviors and decreasing others; commonly referred to as the behaviorist approach.
For individuals who are verbal, “desirable” behaviors might be using specific words or phrases, engaging in certain nonverbal communication behaviors such as eye contact or using different facial expressions, or engaging in a conversation in a certain way for a certain length of time.
These were the types of things that were rewarded; whether it be using some type of token or treat, or whether it be some type of behavior chart.
Sometimes it would go so far as to reward someone for acting in a certain way across the day or meeting certain behavioral expectations; which might include giving someone a sticker for each class period they did what they were supposed to be doing.
On the other hand, rewards were taken away, or punishments were given if someone did something undesirable. This could include things like getting up from their seat, making noise or engaging in some sort of movement or verbal outbursts, or perseverating on certain topics during conversations.
There were good intentions behind this approach; we want people to be able to complete certain activities which will allow them to learn and grow, and do it in a way that allows them to maintain relationships with other people. Or, reduce behaviors that might impact their ability to do that.
The problem with these strict, behavioral approaches is that they look at behaviors on a superficial level without understanding why they’re happening in the first place.
It’s a very simple reward vs punishment type of system; and it’s not just used with neurodivergents.
Many schools or parenting approaches advocate for the idea that if we reward good behaviors, they increase, and that if we punish kids for behaviors we don’t like, they will stop.
The problem with this approach is that it’s focused on temporary compliance. When we measure “effectiveness”, we’re essentially asking the question, “How well did this person do the things that I demanded of them in this very moment?”
This is problematic for a number of reasons; including the fact that it does nothing to consider and address the ROOT cause or the need being met behind the behavior in the first place.
For example, someone with ADHD may need to engage in some sort of movement to feel regulated and focused. Someone with autism may find eye contact overstimulating. If that’s the case, trying to change these behaviors may do more harm than good.
Another issue is that looking at only the immediate behavior fails to consider the long-term effects of forcing people to comply in a certain way, or punishing them if they don’t.
For example, many kids with ADHD are punished for not completing homework because it’s assumed that they are simply choosing to avoid work; when in reality they may lack certain skills required to self-regulate and plan ahead. Punishing them without teaching them the skills they need to do the task simply doesn’t make any sense.
Many neurodivergent adults are speaking out against approaches that are considered “evidence-based”, saying they found them painful and intrusive. We’re also learning that over time, these approaches can cause trauma.
The bottom line: it’s easy to say something is effective when we’re just looking at how well someone’s conforming to our demands in the moment. It’s much harder to measure the emotional impact that has on that person.
I know because I’m still recovering from some of the “tough love” I got from teachers, coaches and others growing up.
I’m not saying that it’s never okay to draw someone out of their comfort zone. What I am saying is that when we have the urge to control someone’s behavior because we feel it’s disruptive in some way, our first instinct should not be:
“How do I get this person to do the thing I think they should be doing?”
It should instead be, “What’s going on here and how can this person become more successful at things important to them?”
One of the most common things that has come up this past year as we’ve been at home way often is follow-through on independent tasks around the house…
Many times, the surface level issue seems like more of a motivation problem…but often there is more to the story. I share more about why that’s the case here.
Shift #2: From “appropriate” to functional and effective
Many of the behaviors neurodivergents engage in are referred to as “inappropriate” to neurotypicals.
Because neurodivergents are the minority, neurotypical behaviors are what’s considered “normal” and “acceptable”.
For example here are some of the following unwritten “rules”:
You’re supposed to look someone in the eye when you’re talking to them.
You’re supposed to sit in your seat in class.
You have to engage in back and forth dialogue every time you have a conversation.
You can’t talk about (insert topic of interest). You’re supposed to talk about what other people want to talk about.
Flapping your hands/rocking/vocalizing is weird (or any other type of stimming behavior). You should stop doing it because people will think it’s strange.
You aren’t supposed to line up the toy cars by yourself. You’re supposed to pretend to drive them with the other kids.
I could keep going, but the point is that many of these behaviors are thought to be “abnormal” because they’re not things neurotypicals would do.
But they may not be abnormal to a neurodivergent because they’re wired completely different.
This is exactly why it’s so important to make the first shift from compliance to curiosity.
It may, in some circumstances, be beneficial for a neurodivergents to be aware of neurotypical behaviors so they can have an understanding of why people respond in certain ways or may expect certain things.
For example, kids have traditionally been expected to sit still in class or have their desks positioned a certain way while doing academic work. They may also be asked to sit for a certain amount of time, and this length of time may work fine for a lot of kids. But for some neurodivergents, sitting still and sensing time is extremely difficult. The very task may seem so overwhelming that is causes a spiral of anxiety and a meltdown.
Often kids are punished for these types of things, when it reality it’s more of a skill-based issue associated with time-management, self-regulation, and planning. This means they might need the task explained or formatted in a way that might be different than what a neurotypical needs, but a totally acceptable way of doing things.
Forcing them to look “more appropriate like everyone else” is counterproductive. Instead, this is an opportunity to show them a different way of doing things that is ALSO functional and effective for them.
>>>I share one specific strategy for doing that here.
Another common example is how we engage with other people.
Neurotypicals often engage in conversation in a back-and-forth dialogue, so we insist on neurodivergents engaging in this way as well. At times, it is useful for neurodivergents to understand that this is a way people might expect them to engage. It also might be beneficial for them to choose this type of interaction some of the time.
But neurodivergents may enjoy engaging in other ways, such as monologuing about a certain topic of interest or even being in the same space with someone else without having a conversation at all. Both which are perfectly acceptable ways to engage and don’t harm anyone if all parties are enjoying themselves…which means they could be perfectly acceptable and effective.
The easiest analogy that I found is the explanation of introversion and extroversion. An introvert might prefer to talk to someone in a 1:1 or small group setting, or even choose to be alone some of the time. An extrovert may prefer a larger group and likes to be around people for a large amount of time.
An introvert and an extrovert can be in some sort of relationship and have an understanding that they like to do things differently, and they might have the desire to make the other person happy. As a result, they may choose to do things that are out of their comfort zone some of the time. Other times, they may choose to set a boundary and decide to do things their own way.
Each person can have an acceptance of the other, and they can acknowledge that they are BOTH doing things in a way that’s fulfilling and effective, even though it looks different.
This basic understanding is KEY to helping kids advocate for themselves and set healthy boundaries. So while it’s useful to teach neurodivergents how their behaviors might be coming across to neurotypicals, forcing them to conform 100% of the time in the interest of being more “appropriate” does them a huge disservice.
Not only does it reinforce the idea that they are inherently broken, but it also can feel exhausting and result in burnout because they’re constantly pretending to be someone they’re not.
Additionally, insisting that they HAVE to act a certain way limits their ability to self-advocate, set boundaries, and form relationships with people who will accept them the way that they are.
We would never tell a neurotypical things like, “You’re not allowed to talk about or pursue that thing that excites and interests you. You just need to do what you think everyone else is interested in.”
So why are we doing this to neurodivergents?
Why not help them shape their behaviors in a way that suits them, instead of forcing them into some preconceived idea of how they’re supposed to be?
Shift #3: From gaslighting to validation
In my experience, I’ve heard the following things said to neurodivergents:
“You’re overcomplicating this.”
“Stop asking so many questions.”
“But everyone else can do it.”
“You’re the only one who is struggling here.”
“You’re overreacting. It’s all in your head.”
“You’re just being stubborn/lazy.”
I’m going to say something here that should be painfully obvious:
Most human beings are innately kind, compassionate people who want to do a good job at whatever it is they’re doing and also make other people happy.
This includes that child who’s disrupting the class.
It includes that child rolling on the floor having a meltdown.
It includes the student with 50 missing assignments.
It includes the student that doesn’t follow directions.
It includes the child that “overshares” and interrupts.
It includes the person who challenges everything you say and always wants to know “why”.
It includes the child who turns in schoolwork that’s illegible and has a ton of mistakes to answers they likely know.
Those children will all grow up to be adults one day. Many will continue to struggle, but will somehow find a way to function day-to-day…even if it takes them a lot of time and energy.
Those things that I said above have all been said to me at one point (or actually, on many occasions) to people who had the best of intentions.
In most cases, statements like these feel like gaslighting to the person on the receiving end.
Many times, especially when we’re working with younger children, we’re not literally saying those things to them. But we are “saying” them in other ways, such as the way we treat them.
Each time we yell, punish, or in some way show frustration for “bad” behaviors, or when they fail to do things the way we expect and invalidate what they’re experiencing, we’re saying more than words could ever express.
I’m going to dive into one example that’s unique to my experience.
I have been labeled (by others) as a worrier and an overthinker.
I was a late talker, had lots of sensory issues, and also engaged in quite a few stimming behaviors (still do). I get easily overwhelmed when I have to read a lot of social cues at once, in the moment.
I have good executive functioning skills when I’m working alone…but as soon as you start getting other people involved (especially when lots of decisions need to be made on the spot during real-time interactions), my ability to process starts to diminish.
I’ve learned to cope by leaning on my analytical skills, my inquisitive nature to ask questions, and my ability to plan ahead and anticipate situations that I know will be tiring for me (or at times avoid them all together).
I’m great at acting like I’m fine and calm when I’m really a ball of anxiety in fight or flight mode.
Many things that seem apparent, obvious, or simple to others do not seem that way to me. I’ve learned to advocate for myself by asking questions and speaking up when I don’t understand things.
Yet, it’s not always well-received. Often I’m told I’m overthinking because “other people are doing just fine and aren’t confused”. However, I am not “other people”. It’s an apples to oranges comparison.
Telling a neurodivergent they’re overthinking, not trying, or just being stubborn is like telling a person in a wheelchair they’re being lazy because they can’t run up a flight of stairs.
Just because it’s “in our heads” doesn’t mean it’s not real. In fact, because it is LITERALLY in our heads neurologically, that is EXACTLY what makes it so real.
I’ve been blessed with language skills that allow me to ask for things I need and the privileges to remove myself from a lot of situations where I know my needs won’t be met or understood.
But others don’t have these privileges.
Some may NOT have the verbal skills to express their needs…but may express them in other ways that are harder to understand.
But here’s the other side of the coin: Sometimes I really AM overthinking.
Sometimes people really ARE saying and doing things that are negatively impacting relationships important to them.
Some people really are procrastinating or avoiding work, or doing some other form of self-sabotage.
Neurodivergents still need to be responsible and accountable for their actions so they can lead productive, healthy, lives.
Sometimes we do need help!
But that help can’t make us doubt our own sense of reality and make us feel like we’re just “choosing” to be stubborn, difficult, or defiant when there is a neurological reason that we behave the way we do.
When your feelings and experiences are constantly invalidated, it’s easy to stop trusting yourself and your ability to make decisions-all which are key to leading a productive, independent life.
If all we’re told is “You need to do it this way because my way is right and your way is wrong”, then we lack the chance to truly understand HOW to apply the task to any sort of functional situation.
The truth is, we need a way to develop our own internal self-talk, so we can develop intrinsic motivation and resilience, as well as build critical thinking skills and self-confidence.
None of that self-reflection is possible if we’re constantly told that the way we’re experiencing the world is somehow not real or invalid.
Next Steps
In the coming months, I’m going to be working on some information and resources centered around neurodiversity, but I wanted to share one resource with you right now.
When we think about neurodiversity, two common populations that come up are ADHD and autism (although those aren’t the only two).
One common thing that comes up with both populations is that executive functions can be impacted; which can result in a number of behaviors that neurotypicals might describe as “defiant” or “inappropriate”.
The common response might be punishing kids for not doing what they’re supposed to be doing (like schoolwork), but in reality the issue may be tied to poor executive functioning and internal dialogue.
The good news is that kids who are showing these behaviors can learn to function in a way that’s productive and effective when they’re taught the right strategies…
And the best part is that there’s a way to do it in a way that build’s their self-image in the process. I share how to do that with a tool called the Time Tracking Journal.
The Time Tracking Journal outlines a strategy that helps kids get out of their comfort zone in a healthy and affirming way, so they can:
✅Increase tolerance for “difficult” or “uncomfortable” tasks.
✅Improve time-management skills on for common daily activities.
✅Understand how “done” looks like so they can understand expectations.
✅Get tasks done effectively and efficiently, so they can experience a feeling of success.
You can check out the Time Tracking Journal here.
