The Introverted Therapist: Are we “broken”?
I can’t quite remember when I decided that being loud, outgoing, and extroverted was the “right” way to be.
Maybe it was in elementary school when my teachers would scold me for talking too quietly when I was speaking in front of the class (while my classmates snickered).
Maybe it was in my high school art class when the loud, boisterous guy next to me would yell, “What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you every talk?”
Or maybe it was because the extroverted kids seemed to be recognized more often, and more well-liked than us quiet kids.
Perhaps it was a combination of experiences. Regardless of when the shift happened, at some point in my life I’d decided I was broken and I needed to be fixed.
So I repeatedly forced myself in to situations that required me to be more extroverted.
I pretended that was just my natural state (although I doubt I was fooling anyone but myself).
I even remember the questionnaire I took when I got a job waiting tables while I was getting my master’s degree.
One of the questions asked if I’d prefer to be doing research in a lab or if I’d rather be in a setting that required lots of “networking” (or as I like to call it, constant “peopling”).
I lied and said I was a “people person” and that I definitely would NOT want to do research in a lab (although I was so far in denial at the time I don’t think I was really lying).
It wasn’t until my first marriage fell apart in when I was in my late 20s that I finally came to the realization that I was, in fact, an introvert.
Which explained why I didn’t feel fulfilled doing a lot of the things that my very extroverted ex-husband enjoyed doing.
It was around that time that I came across the following three books:
The Introvert Advantage by Dr. Marti Olsen Laney
The Introverted Leader by Dr. Jennifer Kahnweiler
There was also Susan Cain’s TED talk, which you can see here:
After years of wondering what was “wrong” with me, I’d finally got and answer.
Contrary to the assumption I’d made my entire life up until that point, I wasn’t broken after all.
So if introversion isn’t a character flaw, why had I spent the first 30 years of my life thinking it was?
As it turns out, its because that’s what society was telling me.
This post was originally supposed to be a book review of Dr. Laney’s book. But many of the things that I write take on a life of their own once I get going…and this was no exception.
I found once I started writing, that the ideas I wanted to convey really came from multiple places.
So instead of simply reviewing and critiquing just ONE of the books that completely changed my perception of myself, I’m going to mesh what I’ve taken away from all three books in to one post.
But let’s get back to the original question at hand: Why was I convinced that I needed fixing, when all I had was a difference in personality?
According to the three books I’ve mentioned above, this belief is embedded in our culture.
The Extrovert Ideal, or Introvert Power?
In Susan Cain’s book, she explains how the “extrovert ideal” dates back to the early 1900s in the days of Dale Carnegie, the famous business man who wrote the seminal book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People”.
During the course of his career, Carnegie would grow to become a successful salesman and public speaker, and would create the Carnegie Institute where he would mentor other businessmen.
What Carnegie had done represented what many people would do to lead successful careers during the Industrial Revolution.
There was a rapid increase in the number of people working outside of the home and becoming employees. Because of this, there was constant pressure to outshine others in order to appeal to employers and get hired.
Over time, society began to associate these qualities with success, and it eventually became a cultural ideal.
According to Dr. Laney, researchers in the mental health fields have even written reports claiming that extroverts are happier.
She goes on to point out, however, that many of the measures of happiness used in these studies may be biased towards extroversion; so those findings may or may not even be accurate.
Dr. Laney also points out that some mental health professionals consider introversion as a sign of mental illness.
It’s no wonder that some of us introverts feel broken and misunderstood.
Not only is introversion not a sign of disease, it’s actually a strength in many situations. All three of the resources I’ve mentioned above go in depth in to explaining why this is the case (as well as Susan Cain’s TED talk).
Both Dr. Laney and Susan Cain discuss why introverts and extroverts react differently to stimuli, why they respond differently to both social situations and to being alone, and what both personality types need to feel whole and calm.
My impression from both sources is that much of the research on personality types is relatively new, but according to what we know as of now, it appears that introverts have a longer pathway for perceiving a stimulus than extroverts do.
Introverts may take longer to respond because they are likely planning, thinking, and engaging in internal monologue. Because of this, they may take longer to process and respond than extroverts, especially when put on the spot.
Social situations that require a lot of interactions therefore take a lot of energy meaning that too many of them can leave an introvert exhausted (while it may leave an extrovert feeling invigorated).
There is a plus side to being introverted though.
While alone time can make extroverts feel anxious, it can leave introverts feeling rested and recharged.
This means that we tend to thrive in situations where we’re allowed to be self-directed and work alone on a project that may seem tedious and boring to others.
We may also have more tolerance for work that requires us to put our head down and get it done (for example, all that paperwork we have to do, or academic writing required in advanced degrees).
But the real question that I’ve grappled with is whether or not introverts are capable of succeeding in roles that require us to interact with others on a regular basis, or that require excellent communication skills.
Being a speech-language pathologist, for example.
How can introverts survive an extroverted workplace?
As Dr. Jennifer Kahnweiler points out in her book (The Introverted Leader), it’s not only possible for introverts to succeed as leaders; but there’s actually many introvert qualities that can be an advantage.
Because introverts often engage in internal monologue and planning, they’re often well-suited for roles that require strategic thinking and execution.
Yet obviously, the reason we often assume that leaders are more extroverted is because many extrovert qualities are also desirable for people in leadership positions; such as being assertive, being articulate in high-stress situations, or commanding the attention of a crowd when giving a presentation.
This means that if we want to succeed, we have to find a happy medium between our natural state and situations outside of it.
As an introvert myself, I’ve had to force myself in to many situations that required a large amount of “extroverting”.
And while I regret the self-loathing that typically ensued throughout many of those experiences, I don’t regret that I pushed myself out of my comfort zone.
When it comes to succeeding as an introvert (in any field), we need to ask ourselves two questions:
When is it best for me to act like the introvert I am?
When is it best to push myself and act more like an extrovert?
I can’t ultimately answer this question for you in every situation you may encounter. But what I can do is share some examples, and my thought process I’ve used throughout the years.
It’s not ideal for you to wear yourself out doing too much “extroverting”. That will only leave you pissed off and burnt out. I’ve learned that lesson the hard way.
But on the other hand, avoiding certain situations can often create more anxiety around them; and there’s some instances when we have certain obligations.
Putting ourselves in those situations strategically can help us gain the skillsets we need to navigate those situations when they are unavoidable.
Additionally, a large portion of the world are extroverts. If you’re an introvert, there’s a good chance that someone you love is an extrovert.
If we want them to give us our “introvert time”, isn’t it only fair that we suck it up and do some “extrovert things” with them too?
In order to be able handle “extroverting” when we find it necessary, we have to be strategic about when and how often we do it.
That’s why my primary strategy is to group the tasks that require “extroverting” in to “high priority” and “low priority”.
The Introverted SLP’s High-Priority List
I’m going to give you examples of how I do this at work to get you started, but know that you can apply this to your personal life as well.
Here are my high priority tasks:
High priority #1: Client sessions
This is the most obvious, because it is THE most important thing that we do as SLPs.
If you know you have a long day of therapy ahead of you on a certain day, do your best to only engage in activities that recharge you the day before.
If you feel drained at lunch time and need a break, don’t feel bad about skipping social hour in the staff lounge.
Same thing goes for your evenings; make sure that whatever you do actually makes you feel rested.
High Priority #2: IEP meetings
If you’re not in a school, I’d include any type of patient or caregiver debriefs or training under this category as well.
First of all, you may be required to run these meetings or trainings, which requires you to stay sharp.
I usually have a detailed agenda I can follow because structuring what I’m going to stay ahead of time (even if it’s the main points), can reduce a lot of the anxiety that comes from being on the spot.
The structured parts of the meeting usually go pretty well for me; but the part that takes the most energy is the unstructured time.
This may sound ridiculous to some, but I actually get nervous when I’m walking down the hall leading the parents of my students to the conference room or at the beginning of the meeting when we’re waiting for everyone to get there.
Those are the times that we’re likely to make small talk, which is often not your forte if you’re an introvert.
In these situations, I usually have a couple go-to questions in mind that I can ask parents to fill this time.
The best questions get parents talking about the positive things about their kids, like what type of extracurricular activities they’re in or what things they like to do outside of school.
Sometimes a simple “How are things going for you this year?”, can work too.
High Priority #3: Consultations with colleagues
Our job obviously goes beyond the therapy room; regardless of what setting you’re working in. That’s why conversations with other colleagues are so important.
If you’re an introvert, it may seem out of your comfort zone to create these collaborative partnerships; yet it’s often necessary for us to do our job well. My advice here is to put it in your schedule.
If something is not on my schedule or in my planner, it’s not happening.
It may come more naturally for some to just strike up conversations with other staff members on-the-fly but I know I’ll be tempted to stay put in my office if I have down-time.
My hack is that I plan it out and put it in a structured agenda on my task list.
If you know that you’ll be too drained to engage in small talk between sessions, you can kill two birds with one stone and work in a couple minutes of small talk during your consultations to help build some rapport while you’re at it.
Go in to every conversation with a clear agenda and goal so you maximize each one.
The Introverted SLP’s Low-Priority List
Now let’s get to the less important tasks. I’ll admit, I’ve seen these on some of the “things all SLPs should be doing” lists. But…those lists may have been written by extroverts…so take that as you may.
Here are things that are low on the priority list if you’re trying to conserve your energy:
Low Priority #1: Eating lunch in the teacher’s lounge
I’m not saying you need to avoid the lounge at all costs, but there are other parts of your job that are way more important.
I know I’ve spent many lunch periods eating my lunch in my office alone and then spacing out; savoring the few remaining minutes of quiet.
My colleague actually recommends skipping the teacher’s lounge all together to avoid a potential gossip-fest, which she explains in this interview which you can view in this post here.
The bottom line; don’t feel bad about eating lunch by yourself if it’s what you need to do to recharge.
As I mentioned in #3 above, you can always work some small talk in to meetings about students to stay in good graces with coworkers.
Low Priority #2: Staff parties
Ahh…the staff social. It sounds crazy, but I think these events have induced more anxiety for me than some of the contentious IEP meetings I’ve attended.
The thing about introverts is that we despise small talk. We find it shallow, boring, and pointless; and quite frankly, we often suck at it.
This is why I sometimes sit in my car for a few minutes and pretend to mess around with my keys before I walk in to most parties…especially when I’m walking in by myself.
If I can navigate my way in to an interesting and meaningful conversation I usually end up enjoying myself…but if not I’m usually eyeing the door thinking about when I can make my exit.
The thing is, all small talk ISN’T boring and shallow because it actually does help to break the ice and build relationships, which is why it’s a good skill to learn (even if it takes a little effort).
Plus, it’s something extroverts enjoy, so it’s important to do it if we want to have some extroverted friends.
But since it’s not my default mode, I engage in it sparingly…which means I’ve ducked out of some staff parties when I didn’t have the energy.
Again, this is not the #1 priority in our jobs…so save your energy for your high priorities.
Low Priority #3: Random “in-passing” conversations
You know when you see someone you know, and you avoid eye contact on purpose because you’re exhausted and you don’t want to get pulled in to a distracting and meaningless conversation?
Or when you’re really busy and you see someone who is a “talker”, and you don’t want to be rude…but you also don’t want to get dragged in to an endless discussion about nothing of substance?
Well…if you have been strategically avoiding these situations…don’t feel bad about it!
Whether this happens at work, or if it happens out in public, there’s nothing wrong with keeping to yourself when you’re feeling wiped.
I could say the same thing about group text messages…but we don’t need to open that can of worms.
If engaging in a conversation is going to be a distraction, it’s totally fine to politely make your exit with a “Nice chatting with you-have a good day!”, or keep the conversation to a simple “Good morning/afternoon.”
Now I’m curious to hear from you, whether you’re an extrovert, and introvert, or somewhere in between.
Do you find that your personality makes you more successful at certain things you do at work? If so, how do you prioritize?
Let me know in the comments below.
To learn how to prioritize as an introverted SLP, check out this priority list here.
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