“But isn’t this just forcing students to act neurotypical?”
This is one of the most common objections I get when I talk about executive functioning; specifically executive functioning that impacts social relationships.
Executive functioning skills are important for anyone interested in having relationships with others; neurotypical or not.
Planning interventions in a way that is supportive is about striking a subtle balance. We want to be compassionate and understanding that we’re working with people who have brain differences. However, we also know that those brain differences may make them avoid situations or experiences that will enable them to be more resilient, more connected and more confident.
Perspective-taking and situational awareness are essential skills for self-advocacy. You can’t ask for help if you can’t read a situation and know what to ask for or how to ask for it.
Case Study: Perspective-Taking
Bob is a 7th grader. He loves comic books and spends his free time sketching his own designs. He’s autistic, and qualifies for services and accommodations at school which include having access to a special education study hall where he has the opportunity to ask questions and get help planning for his week. At lunch he sits with Jim, who happens to have ADHD, and is also really interested in creating his own comics. Jim sometimes doesn’t realize when he’s distracting Bob when Bob is trying to work on his designs. Bob also gets upset when Jim buys the same comic books as he does because he thinks Jim’s going to copy off of his ideas. Jim doesn’t realize Bob is upset, so he’s always really excited to talk about his new books with Bob. He’s not trying to copy off of Bob; he just happens to like some of the same things. As close as Jim and Bob are, their teachers and parents find that their fights are distracting to both of them throughout the day; as well as others in their peer group.
If Bob and Jim want to continue to have a relationship, they both need to work on reading situations and understanding the other’s perspective. If we accommodate everything Bob wants, we neglect Jim, and vice versa.
Neither Bob nor Jim will be able to advocate for themselves, or allow the other to advocate if they can’t understand the others’ perspective.
Situational Awareness and Self-Advocacy
Let’s start with how we could support Bob.
With perspective-taking, it would benefit Bob to understand that other’s might have thoughts and preferences independent of his. Someone might like the same things you like. In fact, it is likely that boys his age will have similar hobbies and interests as he does. If his peers see that he gets upset when someone has the same comic book as he does, they may not want to hang out with him. He’ll miss out on an opportunity to talk with peers about a common interest; something he actually wants to do.
It’s also okay if Bob prefers to sit by himself and recharge sometimes; especially in a noisy cafeteria. But if he wants to have that time and still preserve his relationships, he needs to recognize when his peers might not realize he wants his space. This is an opportunity for him to self-advocate and learn how to set boundaries in a way that resonates with other kids his age.
Additionally, Bob needs to know when someone is expressing genuine interest in him and when he’s being bullied. If you assume everyone is bullying you, you miss out on opportunities for connection; whether it be having a conversation, or sitting next to each other silently reading or drawing. Yet we want Bob to know when someone is legitimately antagonizing him so he knows how to remove himself from the situation or ask for support from an adult or a peer.
Now, let’s move on to Jim.
Jim needs to recognize when others want space or don’t want to talk with him. He also needs to notice when he’s not giving others a chance to talk. If he doesn’t allow other people a chance to participate in the conversation, they may not want to be around him. It would also benefit him to pay attention to other topics and interests his peers have to see if he might be able to pursue some other hobbies and have other ways to connect with kids his age.
At the same time, Jim should also have opportunities to talk about some of the things he’s currently interested in now. If he likes to recharge at lunch by talking about topics of interest with someone, he should be able to do that. Helping him understand who is and isn’t interested in talking to him can help him better meet his own needs. Additionally, if Bob says something that Jim finds hurtful, he can choose to sit somewhere else.
Developing Intentional Accommodations
Navigating this situation for both of these students involves a combination of building skills and finding opportunities to put support in to their day.
When we talk about the concept of accommodations, there are intentional accommodations, and there are accommodations that can be counterproductive in the long run.
For example, an intentional accommodation for Bob could be that he has the option of eating lunch in a quiet space instead of the noisy lunch room. He could also have the option to take “brain breaks” throughout the day (this one needs to be done with very clear parameters to ensure it doesn’t become an opportunity to avoid work).
A counterproductive accommodation would be allowing Bob to yell at his peers when he feels they’re copying his ideas or when they don’t realize he needs space. While we don’t want to resort to anything excessive or unnecessarily punitive if Bob makes a mistake, we have to consider the needs of other kids and staff.
An intentional accommodation for both Jim and Bob, might be that they have extra opportunities to plan and organize their work or their schedule. This could help them manage both their work and think about what they might need throughout the day. For example, Bob could use this time to plan when he’s going to complete assignments, or when during the day he might plan to use his “brain breaks”.
A counterproductive accommodation for Jim would be allowing Jim to “info dump” about topics of interest without giving him feedback about the way his peers might react. Jim SHOULD have the opportunity to talk about things he enjoys. However, if we don’t have conversations with him about how he’s coming across, he may put himself in a position where he has fewer opportunities to talk about his interests because his peers may choose not to hang out with him.
Here is where the topic of compliance is relevant. When I say we are “not allowing” Jim to info dump, I want to make it clear that this is not about forcing a certain behavior or being punitive. The way we could address this is by giving feedback, modeling, helping Jim understand consequences, but then ultimately letting Jim make choices within specific situations. The same would apply for Bob.
When we become overly accommodating of certain behaviors, we may actually be forcing compliance on others. For example, telling one student they need to hang out with another student who is treating them poorly. Telling one student they can’t talk about a topic of interest, or telling others they have to talk about a certain topic to avoid upsetting another student. This is not beneficial for the students doing the behaviors; because we’re not teaching them healthy ways to have relationships. If they think of this as standard relationship behavior, they may also be likely to tolerate this kind of treatment from someone else.
It’s also not trauma-informed to require certain students and staff to experience situations where they’re treated poorly.
If we try to accommodate everything for everyone we run the risk of not being able to accommodate anyone.
Most people would agree that someone in a wheelchair should be able to have access to a ramp or elevator and have adequate space to maneuver. Allowing a person with an orthopedic condition to have extra time during passing periods to get to their next class seems reasonable to most people.
The conversation about what is reasonable for the “invisible” disabilities where language and cognitive processes are impacted is less cut and dry. We can’t clearly see if someone is or isn’t neurotypical just by looking at them. That’s why everyone involved needs to be able to read situations and consider the impact of their behavior on others.
Executive functioning skills are not neurotypical skills, they’re human skills.
Navigating the complexities of putting effective accommodations and services in place is about understanding that the road to fostering these skills is different for neurotypical vs. neurodivergent people.
While neurotypical people may learn executive functioning skills implicitly, people with conditions that impact executive functioning (e.g., ADHD, dyslexia, autism, developmental language delays) may require more explicit modeling and intervention.
Everyone needs to have cognitive flexibility to navigate relationships effectively, but some people need something different in order do this successfully.
Related service providers (e.g., social workers, school counselors, speech-language pathologists, OTs, psychologists) are in a unique position to help their school teams navigate these complexities.
In order to effectively guide multidisciplinary teams, you have to think about leading change and having a long-term strategic plan for doing so.
With the right framework, it’s possible to make it happen even if you’re not in an official school administrator position.
This is an advanced skill, and you need a unique combination of clinical, leadership, and your own executive functioning skills to make it happen.
I show you how to do that in the School of Clinical Leadership, my program that gives related service providers a framework for putting executive functioning support in place on their school teams.
I created a free training to walk through the rationale behind the program, as well as a walk-through to help you better understand common mistakes school teams make when it comes to supporting executive functioning.
It’s called “How to be evidence-based and neurodiversity-affirming (by building executive functioning)”.
In this training, I’ll reveal:
✅Why kids continue to experience anxiety or behavioral challenges, even though they’re going to therapy or have a behavior plan.
✅Common mistakes multidisciplinary teams make when teaching executive functioning (and why lists, planners, and behavior charts aren’t working).
✅Why kids continue to struggle with problem-solving, and friendships, even though they’re going to therapy and social skills groups.
You can register for the training here.
